Parrot

Ann Widdicombe walks in a pub with a parrott on her shoulder and says to the barman, “if you can tell me what animal i have on my shoulder ill give you a shag”. With a look of fear and disgust, the barman says ” ah, um, eh…. A Crocodile!” Ann says, Close enough!

Caffine

Did you hear, caffine releases the same endoprhines in the body as a really good shag, so does that make Machine-based instant coffee kind of like getting laid in a bathroom of an isolated gas station in a horror movie; it’s dirty, seems like a good idea at the time, takes three seconds and tastes vaguely of something viral, and during the process you realise you may just wind up horrifically murdered…but damnit, it’s still coffee.

Bob

Bob wakes up one morning, looks out of his window to find a gorilla in his favorite tree. So he calls the pest control immediately.
The pest control man arrives in his van and says, “That the gorilla?”
“Yep that’s him”
the pest control man then opens his van and gets out a pair of hand cuffs, a terrier dog and a shot gun. He say, “right, I’m gonna go up that tree, wrestle with the gorilla, slap the hand cuffs on him and push him out the tree. When he lands, this dog will grab him by the bollocks and hold him there till i get down, ok?”
“yeah that sounds fine”
He starts to climb the tree when Bob says to the pest control man,
“hey what about the shot gun!”
“Oh yeah I forgot, if by any chance I fall out first, shoot that bloody dog!”

Man in a Room

Man walked into a room with a sheep under his arm .
says “this is the old goat i have to sleep with when you have given me a head ache”
woman says ” i think your find thats a sheep”
man replys “i think your find i was talking to the sheep ”

Octopus

An octopus swans into a bar proclaiming to be a genius musician with any instrument. An English fella riled by the squid’s audacious claims wages him an ale he can’t play the boozers piano better than Elton john, the octopus excepts the challenge and proceeds to play the keys like Mozart! Not wanting to be sidelined an Irish brogue yells at the octopus to work his magic on his electric guitar; to which the 8 legged legend smirks before knocking out a number better then Hendrix, flaunting his talents defiantly with aquatic arrogance! Finally a burly drunk Scotsman who has been seething in the corner rocks up to the octopuses table and says; “alreet you slippery swine, why don’t ye try ye chances with me bag-pipes eh ye cocky wee shite!!?” Shoving the instrument aggressively in the arms of the maestro, the octopus wastes no time leaping upon the instrument in a flash, rubbing his tentacles up and down the instruments bag like a squid possessed, fumbling in a noticeable f!
luster for several minutes without so much as a note from the pipes! The Scotsman laughs and claps his hands in triumph; “whets the matter pal” he crows, “can you nay play it!!?….”play it!?” says the octopus “I’m gonna shag her brains out once I get her fookin pyjama’s off!”

Little Johnny Joke

Little Johnny wakes up in the middle of the night, hears some commotion coming from his parents bedroom.He checks it out and walks in on them having sex and runs away in alarm. His dad sees this and goes to check on Johnny. He’s about to enter when he hears some commotion coming from little Johnny’s room. He walks in to see Johnny shagging his grandma. The dad says what the hell is going on here? Johnny looks up and says ‘its not so funny when it’s your mum is it?’

Man Thrush

I suffer from man thrush, which is particularly vicious during the summer months, like a greenhouse made of bacon. I went to me mam and asked her to go in the chemist to get my some canesten. she said “use yoghurt son, clear it up in no time”- i didn’t know she meant eat it. now my cock smells like a toffee apple, which you might think is a disadvantage, but my ability to obtain blowjobs from fat girls has increased remarkably.

Young Black British

Young Black British boys spend their time doing foolish things like picking an Off License, running in, shooting everybody and taking everything they have. I tell them to see the bigger picture and do what White British men have been doing for centuries, which is PICK A COUNTRY, run in there, shoot everybody and take everything they have. That’s the correct way to do things.

Couple

The leading couple of this joke consists of husband and wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
“Well, I’ve seen you naked. You don’t need that towel,” says husband.
“I just feel more comfortable this way,” wife responds.
“But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state,” continues husband.
Wife gets suspicious and asks what husband would do with the photo. “I’ll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time,” he responds, and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
“Why are you wearing that towel now – I want a photo of you in return,” demands wife. Husband does as he’s told, the photo’s taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
“What will you do with this photo of me, then?” asks husband.
Wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. “I’ll have it enlarged” she finally responds.

Frog Joke

A catholic priest is driving down a dark country lane, when all of a sudden he hits a frog, the priest gets out of the car to check the frog is okay. Amazingly the frog is still alive. The priest does what any good priest would do and takes the frog home to nurse it better. After several bowls of fly soup and some rest the frog seems to be picking up. The priest tucks the frog into bed and the frog says ‘read me a story’ as the frog starts to fall asleep the priest tip toes out of the room, the frog wakes and says ‘I cant get to sleep without a goodnight kiss’, so the priest leans over and kisses the frog, as his lips touch, the frog suddenly turns into an 11 year old boy – and that m’lord is the case for the defence.