Girl Friend Joke

“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!” “Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?” “Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!” “Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!” “A car? Asked Dan. “Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”

Feeling Pregnant Joke

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.” “We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap. “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?” “I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on. “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.” “You want me to pick it up?” he said hesitantly, “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor. “Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

Handyman Husband Joke

“Honey!” screamed my husband from our bedroom, “you MUST check this out! “What is it?” I hollered back from the kitchen. “You’re not going to believe what I found when I was drilling a hole through the wall! I found a secret stash of bottles!” Just then my I heard my daughters voice hollering from the bathroom, “I’m trying to brush my teeth in here! Who the hell is drilling a hole through the medicine cabinet!?”

Driving Joke

The one thing that drove me absolutely crazy about my boyfriend Bill was the way he drove. He would insist on driving in the dead center of a two way intersection, and no matter how much I complained, sulked, and threatened, nothing made a dent. The only consolation I found was the thought that at least the cars coming towards us, were staying in their lane. Sure enough, I soon resigned myself to my fate, but I would still cringe all too often while on the road. Well, the day finally came when I was to meet Bill’s family. We headed to the small hick town that he was from in Pennsylvania, and had a grand ol’ time with his folks. It was when we went out for a drive in the old family pick up that I learned that things could get quite a bit worse. “Don’t worry about my husband’s driving in the center of the road,” said Bill’s mom with a big friendly smile, as we headed onto a two way intersection. “THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE DOES AROUND HERE!!”

Late Joke

I was upset but not too surprised when I saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. “I’m terribly sorry officer” I said “I was just trying to make it to a meeting on time.” “That’s a shame” the officer said upon handing me my ticket, “what time is the meeting called for?” “Three o’clock” I said. The officer looked at his watch, “you could probably still make it if you hurry up!”

Drunk Driving Joke

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

Walk The Line Joke

A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over. “Alright,” says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. “Walk in a straight line.” “I’d be happy to,” says the drunk “just stop moving the stupid line.”

Speeding Ticket Joke

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

Drunk Driving Joke

Brian was pulled over for speeding, and as the cop approached his car, he noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat right next to him. “Sir,” said the cop, motioning to the paraphernalia. “Can I ask why you have that stuff in the car? ” “Well officer,” said Brian, “it’s quite simple, I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!” The cop, clearly not believing him, insisted that he come over to the side of the road and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true. Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife, “Suzie, am I glad I finally gave up drinking! Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?!