Cold Turkey Joke

Lady – “So do you drink?” Man – “I used to drink a lot, but I quit cold turkey. Lady – “Wow, that must take a lot of self control.” Man – “Well I found out I was allergic to it, every time I drank I broke out in handcuffs.”

Present Joke

John gingerly walked up to the sales lady in the clothing store “I would like to buy my wife a pretty pink scarf. ” “How cute” exclaimed the sales lady, “sounds like it’s going to be a great surprise.” “It sure is” said John “she’s expecting a new car!”

The Man of the House Joke

A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda. It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is…let’s keep peace in the family. One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions. To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left. During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands. Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will. “I’ll prove it,” she boasted. “Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response. “Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing. “Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!” “No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet. “I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”

Son in Law Joke

Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire. When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office. “So tell me,” said Sam, sitting the young man down. “What are your plans for the future?” “Well”, said the Groom. “I plan on studying holy works all of my life.” “And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day?” questioned Sam. “I am sure The Lord will provide.” Answered the young man. “And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?” “The Lord will provide” answered the young man again. “How did it go?” asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking. “It went great” Sam replied. “I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!”

Bar Excuse Joke

Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar. Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him. “So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him. “Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.” “OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!” Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?” “See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!“

Sales Associate Joke

Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help. “Can I help you?” she asks. “Well I don’t know” the man responds “I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”

Snail Joke

Tom’s wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment’s before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down to the beach to pick up some fresh snails for the party. On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he’d stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails. One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn’t gotten his wife those snails. Quickly he hurried down to the beach, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails. At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party. Tom, looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!”