Vital Signs

She’s only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, “You know what kills me … ?”

Smiling, Mark teased, “Apparently nothing.”

Relaxing Location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

Natural Bull Enhancement

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

A Grandmother’s Wisdom

A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.”
“Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”

A Grave Encounter

After trick-or-treating, ?a teen takes a shortcut home ?through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots ?an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” ?says the relieved teen. “What are you ?doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

The Time Traveling Soldier

When a soldier came to the ?clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an ?attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination ?was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was ?I in there for?”