Did you hear, caffine releases the same endoprhines in the body as a really good shag, so does that make Machine-based instant coffee kind of like getting laid in a bathroom of an isolated gas station in a horror movie; it’s dirty, seems like a good idea at the time, takes three seconds and tastes vaguely of something viral, and during the process you realise you may just wind up horrifically murdered…but damnit, it’s still coffee.

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